tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56288368817312164282024-03-13T12:42:43.289+00:00Just Top JokesUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-37657106348171674772013-10-14T13:51:00.000+01:002013-10-14T13:51:00.068+01:00Math Trouble<div class="entrycontent">
A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in
Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the
first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her
math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating
dessert after dinner in order to study more.<br />
On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her
daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, "Why the sudden
change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?" The girl
replied, "No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the
plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!"</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-36754838998244235172013-06-17T12:13:00.002+01:002013-06-17T12:14:02.970+01:00Blonde NASA Engineer<div class="entrycontent">
NASA sends a space shuttle up with two pigs and a blonde on
board. While the shuttle is taking off, the NASA command center calls
the first pig and asks, "Pig #1, do you know your mission?"<br />
The pig replies, "Oink oink. Get the shuttle into orbit and launch the trillion dollar satellite. Oink oink."<br />
Then NASA Control asks the second pig, "Pig #2, do you know your mission?"<br />
The second pig replies, "Oink oink. Once Pig #1 has completed
the trillion dollar satellite launch, close hatch, and go back to
Earth. Land shuttle. Oink oink."<br />
Then NASA asks the blonde, "Blonde woman, do you know your mission?"<br />
The blonde woman replies, "Ummmmmmm.... Oh yeah, I remember now. 'Feed the pigs - and DON'T TOUCH A GODDAMNED THING!"</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-37571415477733217062013-05-13T14:53:00.002+01:002013-05-13T14:53:32.806+01:00Windows 666Bill Gates dies, and ascends to the Pearly Gates to meet God.
God immediately recognizes him and says to him "Bill Gates -- you're a
great man. I shall give you a choice of either heaven or hell." Bill
Gates tells God that he would like to see both before making a decision.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
So God takes Bill Gates down to Hell, where there are
beautiful, nubile bikini models, perfect weather, free drinks, and
eternal happiness. "That doesn't seem so bad," says Gates. "Let's see
Heaven now." God and Gates go to Heaven, which seems to be just a bunch
of old, crusty angels flying around and sitting on a few clouds. "I've
made my decision," says Gates. "I choose Hell."<br />
Six months later, God goes down to Hell to check on him and
finds him hanging above a pit of fire with wild harpies tearing out his
intestines. "What happened to all the bikini models and the sun and the
fun?" Gates screams. "Oh, that," says God. "That was just the demo."</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-15391170276119080502013-04-16T12:38:00.002+01:002013-04-16T12:38:35.882+01:00Marriage Made in HeavenA couple were driving to a church to get married. On the way,
they got into a car accident and died. When they arrive in heaven, they
see St. Peter at the gate. They ask him if he could arrange it so they
could marry in heaven.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
St. Peter tells them that he'll do his best to work on it for them.<br />
Three months pass by and the couple hear nothing. They bump into St. Peter and ask him about the marriage.<br />
He says, "I'm still working on it."<br />
Two years pass by and no marriage.<br />
St. Peter again assures them that he's working on it.<br />
Finally after twenty long years, St. Peter comes running with a priest and tells the couple it's time for their wedding.<br />
The couple marry and live happily for a while. But after a
few months the couple go and find St. Peter and tell him things are not
working out, and that they want to get a divorce.<br />
"Can you arrange it for us?" they ask.<br />
St. Peter replies, "Are you kidding?!! It took me twenty years to find a priest up here. How am I gonna find you a lawyer?"</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-72889831731593094792013-04-02T15:01:00.001+01:002013-04-02T15:01:47.804+01:00Phone LineA young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear
the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend
he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments.<br />
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"<br />
"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-74679843467904004872013-03-18T09:44:00.001+00:002013-04-02T15:08:30.599+01:00Lawyer & Dead ManA dying man gathered his best friends - a lawyer, doctor and
clergyman - at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope
containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his
death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his
coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the
next life.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
<div class="entrycontent">
<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
A week later the man died. At the wake, the lawyer and doctor
and clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their
old client and friend farewell.<br />
By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the
clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there
was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt,
rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a mission in South
America. He asked for their forgiveness.<br />
The doctor, moved by the gentle Clergyman's sincerity,
confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical
charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said he too
could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could
be used to benefit others.<br />
By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous
outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior
of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who
kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the
envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount.<br />
The other men looked down in embarrassment and the lawyer
continued, "Indeed, only I honored the deathbed wishes of our great
friend. My envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000."</div>
</div>
</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-16808319419659536992013-03-02T11:56:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:07:50.407+01:00What's for Dinner?A concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says,
"I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say
something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand
about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move
about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get
an idea about the severity of her deafness."<br />
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as
instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and
as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for
dinner?"<br />
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks
again. No reply. He moves five feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed
up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"<br />
She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-63331101026620570582013-02-20T17:51:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:07:21.323+01:00They're BusyOne day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
"May I speak to your parents?"<br />
"They're busy."<br />
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"<br />
"The police."<br />
"Can I speak to them?"<br />
"They're busy."<br />
"Oh. Is anybody else there?"<br />
"The firemen."<br />
"Can I speak to them?"<br />
"They're busy."<br />
"So let me get this straight -- your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they're all busy? What are they doing?"<br />
"Looking for me."</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-11134906855559335332013-02-14T16:00:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:06:53.698+01:00Death Row in Women's PrisonThree women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's
a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and
the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"<br />
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.<br />
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks
if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts,
"Ready! Aim..."<br />
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"<br />
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.<br />
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings
her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She
says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim..."<br />
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-18914826815374855812013-02-02T18:11:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:06:20.498+01:00BossOne day a man goes to a pet shop to buy a parrot. The
assistant takes the man to the parrot section and asks the man to choose
one. The man asks, "How much is the yellow one?"<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
The assistant says, "$2000." The man is shocked and asks the
assistant why it's so expensive. The assistant explains, "This parrot is
a very special one. He knows typewriting and can type really fast."<br />
"What about the green one?" the man asks.<br />
The assistant says, "He costs $5000 because he knows typewriting and can answer incoming telephone calls and takes notes."<br />
"What about the red one?" the man asks.<br />
The assistant says, "That one's $10,000."<br />
The man says, "What does HE do?"<br />
The assistant says, "I don't know, but the other two call him boss."</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-74426180111086289592013-01-30T21:14:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:05:47.505+01:00Alligator ShoesA young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was
very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out
and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable
price!"<br />
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll
luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned
and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.<br />
Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he
spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in
hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward
her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort
hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the
dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the
blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-43593725267396276672013-01-23T21:06:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:05:06.965+01:00Honk if You Love JesusThe other day I saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was
feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance followed by a thunderous prayer meeting,so I
bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What
an uplifting experience that followed! I was stopped at a red light at a
busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and how good He
is... and I didn't notice that the light had changed.It is a good thing
someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have
noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! Why, while I was
sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he
leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO, GO!!
Jesus Christ, GO!!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started
waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a
few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida
back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny
beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle
finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage son what that meant,
he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back. My son burst out laughing...why even
HE was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were
so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what
church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed, so I
waved one more time to my loving brothers and sisters, grinning, and
drove on through the intersection.I noticed I was the only car that got
through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind
of sad that I had to leave them all after all the love we had shared, so
I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one more time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-20781954302111879162013-01-12T18:18:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:04:24.642+01:00Lipstick at SchoolAccording to a news report, a certain private school in
Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of
12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the bathroom.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
prints.<br />
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the
next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided
that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom
and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all
these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had
to clean the mirrors every night.<br />
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the
mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort
was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the
toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no
lip prints on the mirror.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-49611192738311147412013-01-12T17:11:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:03:55.245+01:00Rabbit and BearA frog leaps out of the magical forest where he has lived all
his life and into a real forest. Since he lived in the magical forest
he has magical powers. He sees a bear chasing a rabbit and thinks to
himself, this isn't right, everyone should live in peace. So he stops
the bear and rabbit and tells them that if they stop chasing each other
he'll give them both three wishes.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
The bear thinks for a second and wishes that all the rest of
the bears in the forest were female. Poof, all of them are female. Next
the rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear looks at the rabbit
wondering why he would want a crash helmet.<br />
The bear thinks for a second making sure he makes a good
second wish and wishes that all the rest of the bears in the country
were female. Again -- poof -- all the rest became female. Then the
rabbit wishes for a motorcycle. Now the bear steps back and looks at the
rabbit in amazment. How dumb is this rabbit he thinks to himself. All
he had to do was wish for money and he could buy all the motorcycles he
ever wanted. This has to be the dumbest creature the bear has ever seen,
he thinks to himself.<br />
It is time for the bear's final wish and he takes a second to
think and makes sure he doesn't waste it. After a minute he wishes that
all the other bears in the whole world were female. And again poof they
are all female.<br />
Next the rabbit puts on his helmet and jumps on the bike. He
turns around and smiles. Then he says, "I wish that that bear is gay."</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5628836881731216428.post-37953267489281711572013-01-03T16:54:00.000+00:002013-04-02T15:03:22.454+01:00Blonde at Appliance StoreA blonde went to an appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.<br />
<div class="entrycontent">
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.<br />
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."<br />
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.<br />
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.<br />
She went for a complete disguise this time: a brown curly
wig, big baggy clothes, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days
before she approached the salesman again and said, "I would like to buy
this TV."<br />
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.<br />
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"<br />
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0